Trying Life on for Size
It occurred to me today that I have tried the three major erm, majors - Science, Arts, Math: engineering, communications and accounting/finance for size.
Engineering - No aptitude, no interest. No love.
Communications - Got aptitude, apathetic interest (oxymoron!), destined for success.
Accounting/Finance - No aptitude, got interest, determined to succeed.
Interesting, my life is.
I asked for a $4000 sponsorship to pursue a one year course in an area of direct relevance to my work.
My employer proposed a bond of 2 years, from the date of completion.
I was aghast; but was also curious to know the other side of the story. Maybe there was something I did not consider.
My employer’s rationale for the 24month co-relation to the cash sponsorship? He licked his index finger and raised his arm and wet finger to the air. “Just like this.”,he replied.
THIS, I certainly did not expect.
So much has happened since June:
Survived two big huge bangwanger work related crisis.
I learnt that:
1. An omission is not a lie; a truth may not be the whole truth.
2. I am not versed in the art of obfuscation.
3. Integrity or being true to thyself is the source of satisfaction.
Muddydonkey never changed/learned one bit.
I have. I have now learnt how to:
1. Slap him without rising to his taunts.
2. Laugh.
His emails to me now make me laugh uncontrollably; his emails to OTHER people (surreptitiously passed to me) makes me cackle with delight. The best way to bond is to point at the village idiot.
3. Move On.
Integrity is important. Although it is sometimes unclear, it is more important to do what is required than to do what is expected of.
1. When I do what is required, I decide what I will do/am doing. I take responsibility for my actions.
2. When I do what is expected of me, I am an unwilling participant.
Time spent being frustrated with expectations not met is time wasted.
1. Accept it, and find another way through/over/under.
I can say No.
1. No, to something I do not take responsibility for.
2. No, to something that I would not do myself.
3. And no, to blackmail.
My values used to be Double A.C.E. Lately I think it should be F.A.C.E instead.
F for fearless.
I find that if I leave my (and other peoples’) neurosis behind, I can do many things. This stupid fear has stopped me from doing many things - saying what I truly feel, running in the day, making cold calls and even talking to ignorant fools in the workplace. I know I am better than them, but I still fear repercussions. I guess, this is something that was beaten into me when I was young. Gotta beat this fear out of me.
My coach said this:
“ … the biggest thing is fear,” she says. “Fear that they won’t succeed, fear people will laugh at them, fear things won’t go as planned. However, trying to deny your passions will just hollow you out on the inside … Whatever your concerns may be, deal with them through a proper plan, rather than avoid them altogether. Avoidance doesn’t solve anything, but action does. Ultimately, it is through pursuing our passions that we live our best life.”
A.C.E remains the same. Authenticity (strangely the most difficult to live true to ), Clarity (Strangely the easiest) and Excellence (I still don’t really know what to do with this).
… is my ability to see the big picture.
I always prided myself on the ability to do that, until hey hey, there is an even bigger picture to see. And I need time to see the big picture. I need to stare into space. Get out of the office.
…. is my ability to prepare the big picture.
I usually go into meetings or start discussions off the cuff. But lately, I discovered that this is more counterproductive. For e.g. I told muddydonkey to hire a technician. Turns out, he called 25 technicians down for an interview, at 10mins interval each. *slaps forehead* Then, he asked for his minion to attend the interviews with him. This really got my goat and I told him not to. I realised that I am angry not with his ignorance, but with myself for not teaching him the proper way. The way that I want it done. And then when I go back to correct the mistakes, it is doubly hard.
So, I need to prepare. And think the big picture.
…. is my ability to voice my feelings or inability to be authentic.
I am still unable to do this. And I find that I am frequently angry with people because I am unable to tell them off intelligently. Like Huimin the ignorant fool turned inconsiderate asshat. I am not angry at her ignorance. I am just very very angry I never took my chance to lecture her and let her know how I felt.
After telling muddydonkey why I don’t think it is suitable for his minion to attend interviews, I felt a lot better.
Truly, being authentic has become my hardest value to live true to. And when I look back at all the times and people I am angry with - bomoh, mistake ex, jerlyn, tts, ex computer boss… I am actually angry I didn’t scream them down when they had the audacity to scold me. I need to learn to keep cool and keep my wits around me… and whip them with my sarcasm. Sadly, my sarcasm escapes me when I turn impulsive.
Although I have improved how I handle muddydonkey and other nefarious objects of derision, frankly, I am still struggling.
What is really tough for me, right now, is that I am constantly fighting fire. I then realise that I fight fire because I am often not prepared. I am not prepared because I don’t have time to think through things… because I am fighting fire. Round and round it goes.
This stupid thing got me very depressed.
I am not a natural leader. And I am not naturally assertive in the workplace. I have previously thrived on cooperation, compassion and coexistance. But lately, I have begun to realise that the triple Cs do not work for leaders. Only for managers. I don’t know how to step out of being a manager.
This stupider thing got me even more depressed.
Remember the Mr Tan’s howling dog? Yeah, depression has it limits. Today, in addition to being depressed, I was in my PMS black moods. I bulldozed through today. In another words, I was acting assertive. The strange thing was, I did not get lip or bad feedback from the people I browbeated. Instead, they were very very happy to do what I say. One even said to me “Aiyah, you should have told me that is what you want exactly… Ask me to propose I also dunno…”
It then suddenly came to me that people just want to be told what to do. Granted, people, is a sweeping statement. But look at your workplace, most people are either ignorant fools or inconsiderate asshats. And really, ignorant fools are dying to be told what to do cos they don’t know any better.
And it occurred to me that when people ask me something, they actually want me to solve their fucking problem. And when they give the problem to me to solve, they are giving me their free will. And I shoulder the blame (and accolades) because afterall, they tell themselves and their gossipmongers “she ask me to do wan…”.
It then occurred to me that hey, I am now in a position to say no or wait to people.
So today, I have decided to stop fire fighting.
You need what? No. Do this instead. I have decided to stop chasing after the small money and the small sales efforts. If I can plan something that will bring in six digits each time, I would forgo 10 four digit sales. Drop the price for this to bring in five digit sales in two years? No. That works out to be four digits in a year, you snake. You don’t get to hoodwink me.
I have also decided to use “I” instead of “we” in emails. Yes, I. I want you to do this. Allow ME to clarify. I ask you to. This is not what I discussed with you. Me, I. I take the responsibility, I take the blame. If I take personal responsibility, then there is greater impetus for me to follow up and push.
You all might not know, but my ego is actually bigger than Mars, Uranus and Earth combined. I will defend myself till I die.
So if I say this, YOU will do it.
Day 51 of being a GM is a new beginning. I am no longer nice anymore. I am fair.
A continuation of the fuckwit and fools
“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.”
… and with this, I move on.
On my 30th birthday, I made a vow to clear all my baggage. I did, strangely enough because I had actually forgotten about it. A diary entry had to remind me hahahah!
On my 31st birthday, I decided to lose 20kg…. and run the Tokyo Marathon on the 28th of Feb 2011, just a few days after my birthday.
So I am going to start a weekly entry on the marathon training and post weekly ugly bodyshape pictures of myself. hahahah!
The relationship between Muddydonkey and me has improved.
Although he has still has no initiative, he at least does not sabo me on purpose. Why? If you give muddydonkey 2 weeks to do something, he will take exactly 2 weeks and will submit the results exactly 2 weeks eventhough he has the results earlier.
The thing here is that I have seen the results much earlier than he cared to submit. And I was thinking to myself - aiyah let him slowly send them to me. Scully he say I overstep then I got problem again. Must. Avoid. Thinking. Like. A. Subservient. Idiot.
I need to be more proactive and assertive. Must start thinking like a person in charge and less like a submissive follower.
The second thing is, muddydonkey suddenly got a 2nd wind. He is busy networking, meeting a lot of new people and going on a overseas trip to Dubai. The networking has yet to reap fruit and the trip to Dubai sounds like a cover for something else - I wondered why Hairyears approved the trip. And he is busting his muddy ass to bring in business and “improve” himself technically.
This made me a bit jealous. Competition is a good thing, yes? So I drew up a full year business development plan. Now, I just need to do a costing and KPI. The budget had been previously approved so that hurdle is over.
And I have decided to resume traveling. The agents have forgotten me already… and although my sales guys are doing better than ever for me, I should step in and show face at least so the agents still support me when the sales guys leave.
First stop - KL next weekend.
Yesterday night, I dreamt that I chastised Muddydonkey and sidekick in public. It started with the sidekick ordering me to “Go buy a battery”. I yelled about being courteous, respect and all. I felt great after. In fact, I woke up feeling like a million bucks.
The night before, I dreamt that I attacked the ignorant fool behaving like an inconsiderate fuckwit mentioned below. Her face was strangely hard and her gut was softer than I imagined. Slapping her face felt like slapping a brick and punching her gut felt like hitting a down pillow - all the force was deflected sideways not inwards. Anyway, I woke up and found myself sleeping on my left hand and my blanket bunched up in my fist. I woke up ready to kill anybody that stood in my way.
The funny thing is, although the fuckwit made me angry, the relationship between muddydonkey and me is improving.
It takes me a day or so to regain my mojo, which is why, Sundays and Mondays are hard for me. By the time Tuesday rolls in, I am in a state of panic because stuff cannot be done in time.
:(
One reason is because I lose all sense and sensibilities for A.C.E when the weekends arrive. And I forget A.C.E, A=100%C+B and all that. And I become old me. Lazy louty weed smoking me.
I realise that the one thing preventing me from continuing my motivation is not continuity, but the morning cup of coffee. Once I get out of bed, I get zested. Ah but that’s the hard part - getting out of bed.
How? Off to discover the whys whys whys again.
Everybody is like a security safe, enveloped with thick walls of ego. You can spend a lot of time and energy hitting the ego, reasoning with the ego and eventually you are rewarded with a crack. By that time, I am so tired I need to heal. But the safe will also heal itself and layer on a thicker than before slab of ego.
Why not push the buttons of the safe? Try the various combinations. Although you are not sure what you are doing at that point in time and seems like the combinations are endless, it is gentler, more rewarding and is permanent. The reward is far bigger than a crack - the safe is OPEN!
But I must remember this - before I attempt anything, I must be sure that the safe is howling to be opened. AND, I must know when to stop.
Things that Blow my Socks Off
These are the things, that would reduce me to happy tears, when it happens to me:
1. Win a triathlon, as in, I am the one that holds the finishing line tape.
2. Afford and buy a seaside house.
3. Complete my PHD
4. Marry and live with my best friend.
I wonder why my coach wanted me to list these “beyond your wildest dreams” dreams.
This is not a story about dogs. This is a story about pain and how pain is not necessary a bad thing. But more importantly, this is a story to people who try to help other people, but end up feeling more frustrated than they begin with.
Mr Tan has a neighbour called Mr Lim who is constantly irked by Mr Tan’s dog.
Why the hell does it howl all the time? Why doesn’t Mr Tan do something about it?
Angry, Mr Lim went over to Mr Tan’s and ask what the fuck is wrong with the dog and can you please, do something about the howls?
Mr Tan calmly replied, “My dog is making so much noise because it is in pain.”
Why is it in pain, asked Mr Lim.
“Because it is sitting on a nail.”
What?!!!! Then, why doesn’t the dog get up?
“Because it is not painful enough”.
Furious at the blase attitude of Mr Tan, Mr Lim asked “Why don’t you remove the nail for the dog?”
Because the dog can actually stand up and walk away. He can still bear the pain. Obviously, the nail is not hurting the dog enough.
Sometimes, we complain and ask for help but fail to realize that the power to help ourselves, is within our control. What is worse, is that the people whom with the best intentions, try to help us without realizing that we are not ready to accept help.
Pain is good. But more pain provokes us into action.
Case in point: My grape sized lump. If it didn’t stick out of my CB, I wouldn’t have it checked. If I didn’t survive a horrible accident, the deflated grape would still be in me…. until it gets infected and bursts.
2nd case in point: Grumbling about muddydonkey for the past few months, until now, his attitude is affecting my performance at work. mild pain until fucking pain the past few weeks.
After living each day true to my values, I have again, reorganised it into something that is more powerful and more inspiring.
Finding out the values and core beliefs are not as simple as articulating them. You gotta take them out for a test drive, which I did, and found that what I initially thought were true to me, were not.
My New Values Are:
1. Authenticity (no change)
2.
ClarityCourageI must have the courage to be Assertive, courage to seek Clarity and courage to Execute things well.
3. Excellence (no change)
Live every moment to the fullest. It does not have to be the most perfect moment, but each moment must be better than the last.
Note: There is a difference between “perfect” and “best”. Perfection is the act of reducing as many flaws as possible. “Best” is the act of determining what is good enough.
A.C.E in an A.C.E. Ace in a Hole.
I live each day, each moment in pursuit of A.C.E in a Hole. 5 days later, I am constantly amazed how much I learn, every day. I don’t have bad days, not because I don’t have nasty situations and nasty people constantly rejecting me. I don’t have bad days because I can see the root cause behind the nastiness, the choice I have to extricate/do something and the opportunity to turn nastyness into something brillant for myself.
I am an A.C.E at every purposeful, non wasteful moment. PTL!
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